A Man to Do

What is a Man to do.
When the world, in his mind, isn't right.
What is a man to do when everything adds up to be in-balanced.
What is a man to do.

Some say we live every day of every week as one,
One step at a time, one second of every minute.
Others claim we live by every other day,
Every other week, only doing what is necessary.

If someone told you, your live, your soul
Had one day to live. How would it look.
Are you someone who lived fully, to the limit?
Did you reach your highest peak after stumbling,
To your lowest Depth.
Or did you follow? Doing only what was necessary,
to keep others satisfied.

If you had one day to live,
would you apologize for all the wrongs.
Or would you accomplish one last list of buckets.
Is there somoene you always wanted to love,
or would you spend it with somoene who loves you.

What is a man to do when there is no more,
No more chances to take.
Every opportunity passed because he was too nice,
too genuine, to selfless.
Not for the better of himself or the unnecessary,
But becausae that was who he was.


What if I told you this man dreamed a dream,
Filled with desires and goals,
Yet he only visualized them in his head.
What if I told you he spent every minute
with somoene who loved him,
Yet there was always someone else he loved.

What If I told you this man,
was too afraid to hurt someone else's feelings,
He instead, decided to withhold his emotions.
Not for the better of them,
Not for the worse of him,
But because it was the right thing to do.

What if I told you every morning this man,
woke up with a burden so deep,
He always woke up in the ground.
Every Morning he woke up next to
Nobody he ever wanted.

What is a man to do if he had one day left,
One day left to live.
If he had a thousand things dreamed,
and not one thing completed or true.
What would he do
What would he say?

He said, "Are you living your life... Or are you living your dream."

I thought High school was over.

I stand here with tears down my face,
Thoughts cross my mind, And emotions pouring of my heart.
Every single time I let someone in, Another person walks out.
I told myself I was beautiful in every different kind of way.
Individuals are all attractive in some way beyond the physical.
I told myself I was good enough for anyone, and if that one person ever had the chance, I would give it my all.
The one that matters deserves my best, anything less will crumble.
I told myself, Social Media can be in your life, but never let my life be Social Media.
The moment you stress over one topic, one post, one picture, it will all come down.
I told myself, feelings are only feelings that other people felt. They are beyond my control. You wouldn't want someone who liked someone else, so why would you force something.
I told myself, Everyone is different; Rich, Poor, Funny, Dull, Stupid, Intelligent, Bright, Dark, disturbed, Friendly, Mean. Accept it.
I told myself, there are those who are lead, others who follow, and some who support.
Never hate on anyone because they're mindless.
I told myself, we each have our own goals and our own dreams.
We all do things for reasons beyond anyone's understanding.
I told myself, Never question the feeling people feel,
If they are here beside me, it's because they want to be.

I told myself not to fondle over the little things,
You know, those things I am not in control of.
The little things that eat away at people,
Like termites under a house, chopping.
It's one of those things where you have to look beyond the small things
And look at the bigger picture.
Why stress over little things that are out of your control,
Things you have the inability to change.
We all do things for certain reasons,
Whether we were raised, or we were taught,
It's our job to do what we do,
It's nobody else's responsibility to understand why.
I told myself not to stress over the little things
Because it has no help whatsoever.
I told myself, everything that happens happens for a reason.
Whether we accept it or ponder it,
It has no use by us thinking all about it.
There will always be disagreements, differences, and dilemmas,
And it's up to us to decide what is important and what is miniscule.
It is up to us to be mature, realizing what matters and what doesn't.
It is up to us to accept what has been earned and what has been taken.
It is up to us, to move beyond the immature stages of life.
I told myself in the end, I won't let these small things kill me.
But I don't understand, why are you?

Belief

I believe.

When you believe in something, you use every second, every minute, and every hour hoping to fulfill the very one thing that can make you, or destroy you. The one thing only you know and you'll understand, no matter how many doubters doubt you. No matter how many people tell you; you won't, you mustn't, you can't. Prove them how misled they are.

Some will laugh at you, others will shun you away. Some will deny you, others will push you out. There will always be somebody better, there will always be somebody worse. Remember, you are here because you chose to be. You are here because you believe.

Accept your decision, comprehend your choice. Never let someone else's feeling cloud your very own judgement. There is no room for hate, there is no room for doubt.  Everything you Want and everything you need, is only up to you.

When you believe, There is no room for ifs and buts, only will and power. Beyond your mind is your action, your word, the very fuel to the fire which gives you strength.  The harder you strive, the better the result. Always put down what you are willing to gain. Never focus on the losses, only the victories that keep moving you. Only forward, never backwards; life is too short to watch the replay.

Remember, if you put in your best, you can never receive your worst. In the end, It is Never about the end. It is living the journey, learning the mistakes. Things dont always work out how you planned. But be at peace knowing you gave it your best, your finest. Your all. Whole-heatedly. No regrets.

Never Good

It is what It is,
Nothing more, nothing less.
I've been down this road before.
Maybe not with you, maybe not for you.
But by golly, I have been down this road.
If you think by me being down this road before,
stops me from trespassing these broken walls.
You're wrong.
You think I don't know what you don't think I know,
Whatever it is, I know.
Whatever you think, I believe.
And whatever you want, I give.

Every person is different, and every person tells you their different.
But that's not really up to them to decide,
Who's different, who's not.
Individually, we are all different.
But together, we all whole.
You think this world can have 7 billion people,
and not one single duplicate.
One thought, one factor, one mind.
You think because you do something one way,
That makes you different.
No, the things that you do different are being done exactly the same.
You just don't know about it,

I would've went Heaven and Earth to make sure you were happy.
You brush me off with just one sweep.
Every little mistake I made, was magnified.
Every little doubt, was exclamated.
Every little feeling, a lie.
You think you feel what you never felt before,
But those look in your eyes tell me your lying.
The words you never said are the words I know the truth.
It doesn't take a mind genius to know, it's wrong.

Nobody likes to take the blame, so allow me to be the fall.
You want to tell me these lies of feeling, of emotions, of happiness.
It was I who was not able to satisfy your every need.
I was a want, no a need.
A necessary commodity, an unreliable source.
It was me who was wrong for you.
Because like before, they are never wrong for me.
It is my fault I am never good enough.

In the end, nothing has changed.
The script, as once before, written a thousand times.
Like a copy, a duplicate love story.
Same main character, different supporting cast.
It does not take someone who does not love,
A big Fuck You sign, to tell me I'm not enough.
You did not have to lead me to believe,
that I was the Right, or the Perfect.
A thousand stories have been written under the circle,
A thousand stories return empty and broken.
How do I believe your different when you follow the book.

If we could change the world together, I would in a heart beat.
You know I would.
But you want to change the world with someone else.
After all the things we have been through, you finally got it through my head.
I was never the one you wanted, only a stepping stone.
Like Swiss Beats and Jay Z, it's On to the Next one.

You think I'd be good at Good Byes since I've seen so many.
With every entrance comes an exit, and It is definitely my time.
It's okay, you don't need an excuse or a lame fight to tell me,
You don't want me.
You don't have to tell me you're scared to move forward,
As it's only a reason to leave me behind.
You can't move forward when you're stuck on someone else.
Just like you can't move on when you're heart is with them.
The only thing You want me to do is move over.

You don't need to ask,
I won't believe anything else.
The only thing I ever wanted was you to be happy.
And with that, it is clear to me that I failed.
So go on love, take what you can these days.
I'm sorry, I was never enough.

Techno >_9

There's something terribly wrong with the way the world works. I don't mean to be a pessimistic fool, but there's something we all worry about too much. I guess it is common these days to get lost in the translation of things just because the ability of technology exists. Remember twenty years ago when things like iPods and cell phones didn't exist. How to meet up people, you would have to call their house phones? In order to listen to music you had CD players or Walkman's.
And now, since the technology boom, we all are able to have multiple sources to play music, e-mail, text, and call individuals. Is it more convenient? Of course, who would disagree. Do we all need a little help some times? Yes, we do. But there needs to be a fine line between using the technology for our benefit, and overusing it for the attention. Although this whole paper is hypocritical (it's on this blog, a media outlet), the use of technology has blown dramatically out of proportion.
It's simply used too much. And by too much, it usually means for attention. Twitter, a status update of your mood, your thoughts, and your feelings. What's cool about it is other people can read your exact feeling and any given moment. What's not so cool, telling the whole world of contacts you have, even the ones you don't talk. Same thing with status's on Facebook. You can check in your exact location and your every step..Why? I guess documentation you were there. But if you think about it, you make it easier for stalkers to stalk you. Haha.
You know what I can't stand...And this may be hypocritical cause I do it all the time in class. Burying yourself in your cell phone to look at the latest clothing, technology, and news. Educational, yes it is. But seriously, talk to the people you are around rather than text them. What happened to the good ol' phone conversations with the power of the voice and emotion. Seriously, I've seen too many times, texting and tweeting give others the wrong idea. The context of a text is looked way too deeply or most likely taken the wrong way. I guess it helps if you want to flirt...But other then that, it's really destructing to our personalities.
I guess what I'm trying to say is..Even though we have all this technology at our disposal..Don't forget where you came from. It's okay to write hand written letters and send them via postage. Sure, it'll cost you a dollar..But you know what, it's more personal. I'd honestly rather receive a letter in the mail than a text message or a tweet. It's more meaningful and it's more heart-warming. Seriously, though...text messages are like group texts. You never know if the WSUP or Hii is really to you or some other fool. I'd add to this but it's time to stop writing...I haven't written in this blog thing for a while, so maybe i'll add more later.. But yeah, just remember what life was BEFORE the cell phone.

I never wanna wake up.

Tonight, the bath tub had a seat occupied for only one.
The circle feels up only to roll down from my cheek,
Just as the water washes away all from sin.
With only one thought on thy face, I am reminded of what was once mine for the taking.
You've been on my mind.

Whatever is written in the history books, whatever happened once before,
Is not a living field of sorrow and grief,
Only a mere of attitude and belief,
The reaction to the action, the reminder of thy instinct.
I grow fonder everyday.

The water becomes colder,
The river becomes smoother,
And the rain has stopped its whining.
Because actions sometimes don't speak at all.
Just like something's are never what they seem
 I lose myself In time just thinking of your face.

A Ghost whisper discreetly disguised as yours fills my soul like a simple melody.
The injured is healed by just one look of beauty and perfection.
God only knows why it's taken me so long to let my doubts go.
You're the only one that I want.

Troubled and confused,
Afraid to mess this one up
As I once did before
Poisons my every action, my every feeling.
I don't know why I'm scared, I've been hear before.
Every feeling every word, I've imagined it all.

Empty thoughts of only one,
Entire life had put into one highway,
You can't move backwards, only move forward like the constant movement of time.
And Every time it comes down to it, I only see your face.
I'll never know if I never try,
To forgive the  past and simply be mine.

I move forward, driving countless miles to unknown destinations
Only to think about all the stupidity I have jeopardized
All the wrong things you  made right
Except the only one to blame Is standing in the mirror.
I dare you to let me be,
Your one and only

One simple mistake, Is all it takes
To lose the one I care about, the girl I've always known.
To be on the brink of destruction,
Is just as it is to be on the line of success.
Like two free throws with the team down by one with time at nil.
Needed to prove your value to the team,
I promise I'm worth it to hold in your arms.

There's much I wanna say, yet there's only so many chances.
To prove i am the one who can walk that mile, until the end starts

Only suckas can kill a tank in one night,
Only I will live in regret
As only I will be the one who truly knows how I feel
If the chances of coincidence could speak , they spoke pretty loudly into my ears.

This isn't a dream and this isn't a mistake.
If I could prove to you how I feel, I wouldn't be here .
I don't know much. But I do know,
I really like what you've done to me, I can't really explain it, I'm just So into you.
And I'll always remember,
You couldve been anywhere in the world right then, but you decided to be there with me,
No coincidence, it was meant to be.

Only suckas can kill a tank in one night.
Only I live without
Shell.

aH shyEt

The purpose is upon your own discretion,

Use at your own risk, a warning to anyone who crosses this path

We look towards the future but somehow return to the past.

Life is a moment and we all let it pass by,

Hoping to better our lives, increase our fortunes.

But what is standing in front of us is the limitless amount of fuel,

To keep us striving for decades if our bones didn't deteriorate.

Unlike un-living materialistic matters which depreciate,

Not the matter of what, but to the matter of who, we appreciate.

We search our whole lives looking for the purpose, the meaning,

Stars, planets, the sky, 

Things which are out of reach to most of us,

Not because we don't want it or we long for it,

It's more like entertainment.

Cinemas, romantic novels, love stories,

Imagery drawn to mislead us to the perfect life,

The desires, the riches, the best any body could ask for,

We see characteristics and attributes contribute to fantasy,

Lives we could have yet fall short of such treasures,

It isn' a matter of what, but to the matter of who, we appreciate.

We can live our whole lives searching for such a few, the proud.

"You don't know what you got til it's gone,"

She says,

But in reality, "You can't have what you never had."

It isn't gone unless you let it be gone.

Simplicity, the key to all great things.

Why define a meaning with sentences if a word will suffice,

The synonyms usually last one word long, never too deep.

Life isn't about what you're doing as to what you're striving for.

It isn't about the people you want in your life,

It's about the people in your life.

The greatest people are great not because of what they have,

It's what they do with what they have,

And how hard you work with it.

It isn't a matter of what, but to the matter of who, we appreciate.

Simplicity, Inner Circle, Family.

You stick to your guns, you stick with what's constant, 

The ones who were there since the beginning, the ones who helped you pull through.

Not only in the matter of good times but to the ones who overcame the bad.

Life's hardship isn't a measure of your abilities and your accomplishments,

It is how you prevailed, worked, and strived to overcome the dangers.

The dangers of improbable, poisonous, obstacles who dare challenge your strength.

Your demeanor, Your rules, You.

We search our whole lives for meaning of life,  the purpose and the drive.

Yet the things we need in life are right in front of us.

Nothing is ever perfect, nor is it ever what we expect it to be.

But nobody asked us what we wanted, nobody cares on how far we go.

Only to the few that matter.

To us, It's about what we work for, what we work at, and how far we are willing to chase our dreams.

Everyone struggles, at some point in time, some point in life,

Everyone struggles.  Some more than others, yes.

But it's how we overcome these obstacles that build our character.

We don't live in contentment of ourselves, but to those matter.

Success was never meant to be with a dollar sign,

Success is who you have with you at the end of the day, everyday.

A few good men, a few good women,

Simplicity of fortune, a wrath of good people.

We search our lives for the one thing we enjoy, never realizing it's mostly because of who we enjoy it with.

People are replaceable, yet never in a million years can you take my best friend from me.

The more you go through, the stronger you become, the adverse you will be.

The more you both go through, the more unbreakable the bond.

If there is one thing you fight for, they are it. 

To the death, to my dying day. 

You don't let the petty things break you apart, tear you away.

Character, understanding, entertainment, and selfishness.

The true meaning of importance, dedication, and heroism.

How many days can you go without the best people in your life.

Not the matter of what, but to the matter of who, we appreciate

Just remember, irreplaceable character.

Psycho

I guess people need to read things in writing to get the big picture.

Texting someone who doesn't text you back doesn't mean keep texting them.

Silent treatment isn't a game, it means stop talking.

The only silent treatment played is between two people who are in a relationship

If they openly talk about people they are attracted to, means you are likely not one of them.

Good bye from someone who doesn't say good bye means the friendship is over.

Being a stalker , being a creep, being anything but normal is psychotic and crazy.

Never put all your eggs in one basket, kind of means never put all your feelings in one thing.

If you don't know If they like you, follow their actions.

If you click their Facebook and the only posts you see are yours, doesn't mean they singled you out. It means they blocked you.

If you didn't get the hints from the words: creep, stop, psycho,, you need some serious help.

Don't flip the script to make yourself feel better.

The words that people say are usually in black and white unless further noted. For example:
"We were only friends" doesn't mean try harder. 

"fuck off Tarzan" isn't a positive thing.

Blowing up someone's phone via twitter, instagram, wwf, aim, email, text or calls = turn off

Turn off doesn't mean it was ever turned on.

Principles exceed the needs and wants of others.

Talking negative about someone with your friends doesn't bring them closer, it usually means get over it.

Learn how to control yourself before you try to swoop on a person.

You can't take care of someone if u can't take care of yourself.

Learn the rules of engagement.

Read between the lines, it usually means what it sounds like, not what you think.

Things are usually simple. Complicated things never exist, only in your head.

If you don't see the reason, you might need to take a step back.

Life isn't a joke, stop wasting your time on false things.

Belief and knowledge are different. Ones a fact. The other is a wish.

You're stronger than you think.

A Toast to Britt

If I could have everyone's attention for one minute, this will just take a second.
You don't know me but I'm the long-lost, adopted, son and brother to the Christians.
I'm asian, yes I know...No not stolen from Korea. I'm Chinese.
Although two years ago in Korea was where my sisters and I encountered the Christians, it seems like forever ago.
I think it was the bus ride from the airport, where Britt took a picture of me...Sleeping.
Yeah, creepy, I know!
And for some odd reason for my birthday, I came to Utah to celebrate Shaun's birthday.
It was here, that I met the warm-welcoming, loving, and caring Christian family.
Something I will forever remember.

What is family?
Some will say blood related people are family.
Others will say Friends, Pets, Communities make up the families we lack.
As one of my great heroes, Patrick Willis has said,
"Family is people who love you as much as you love them."
It's not the matter of the shared last name, or the same beliefs and hobbies.
Family is the description of people we will forever hold in our hearts,
Who will be there down the road in our memories, our moments,
Through the good and the bad.
You just know, it's family.
When the doors close out the world, family are the ones who will walk in.
It doesn't matter if we are blood related or only friends.
There is always room for family.

Weddings are always interesting, especially in the beginning.
When you first enter the church, you're supposed to pick a side.
Bride or groom, and you're supposed to sit on the correct side.
But I think I got it down. It's an understanding statement.
We have already accepted one of these two individuals into our family and into our lives.
Some of us are here because of the Bride, Brittney Christian.
Some of us are here because of the Groom, Brian Olsen.
I hope none of us are here for the free food...=]
Tonight, is a memory, living history, and historic night,
Of two individuals coming together forever as One.
Even though the day begins with us separated by Groom or Bride,
The night ends with both families, both friends and acquaintances,
Together, as one.
Now it is time to accept these two individuals both, into our families.
Whether we are a Christian or an Olsen,
We are here to share the bond, the love, and the forever matrimony between two people. Not one.

Let us raise our glasses in toast,
Not to the bride or the groom,
But to the forever, Bride and the Groom.
Who we welcome into our family, with open arms.
Brittney and Brian Olsen!



__________________________________________________________________________________

The one that got away.

The One that Got away


I've been driving for miles, listening to the slow jams we once played.
There was never a destination before so why have one now.
Jam after jam, lyric after lyric, nothing but love.
A feeling, an emotion, a distant memory.
Faint, but alive. Historic, but remembered.
Every time I shifted, you stole from my knob the only thing she could hold.
Your warm, soft gentle, hand, interlocked in mine.
And after my fourth lesson or so, I began shifting with my left hand.
The longer the trip went, the more songs we heard.
The further we traveled, the more comfortable you got.
You took off your shoes, covered yourself with your blanket,
And laid back on your pillow.

For the first time since being a child there wasn't a care in the world.
The phones were on silent, the jobs never worked at night,
And the cars on the road were minimal to the capacity.
No bills, no drama. No strings, no complications.
Just you, the music, and the road.
We could've drove until forever if no one mattered.
If families didn't care about us, if people never depended on us.
But only for a brief moment in time can we have what we want.
You had a train to catch,
I had a duty to attend to.
Because reality overcomes any fantasy we live.

Your beauty, your eyes, your smile.
Purified like an angel, perfected beauty and grace.
Girls have always come and gone, but no one was as right.
Like Cinderella's missing slipper, everything just fit.
Just the way I liked, Just the way you are.
There wasn't an imperfect part about you,
You mastered everything perfectly.

But now you're gone.
Because of another guy,
Because you moved away,
Because friends got in the way,
And life stood taller.
Because I didn't pursue you as I should've.
Things always find a way of falling into place,
Yet when the time came, I never spoke up.
Nor did I express everything I wanted to say.

It's you.
It's always been you.
You're the one that I want.
You're the only one that I want.
Whether you care to tango or not,
If you read this or don't. It's only you.

There is never a day that goes by you don't cross my mind.
There is only a memory which you were next to me.
A selfless pain to endure while you move on happily,
Because sacrifice is bigger than what we were.
I look at my phone waiting for your text, your call.
Hoping of such possibility even still existing.
Every night I think about picking you up, even if it is brief.
To cruise the star-lit, nightly skies.
I grow faint and weak every time I pass your neighborhood.
And every time I reach for the knob, I look to my passenger seat,
Wishing you would grab my hand, hold my arm, and kiss my cheek.
We could drive forever, you and I.
To wherever you desired,
To whatever you pleasured,
We should drive forever,
Whichever direction you choose,
However long it takes,
We would drive until the end of time.
The one that got away.

Remember me part 2

We will Remember Part 2

A toast to the 7 B. of people,
The millions of sightings,
The Thousands of acquaintances,
The hundreds we have touched
The many we have known,
And the few we love.

You might not know of who I am,
But I know you exist.
Whether we have intervened or unqualified,
There is a strong presence of your character inside of me.
It never matters about the status or the money,
Nor the physicality in your stature,
Or clothing which hides your suit.

I don't know how you think, or your habits you love yet hate.
Your friends, your family, your pets.
Your weaknesses, your poor decisions,
Your body, your soul,
Your choices, your Facebook Page.
Or your most deepest crushes.

But deep down, there is a heart.
A inner part of your body that exists beyond physicality.
Forgiveness, Compassion, Humanitarian, and Understanding.
A part of your body called Love.
It may be hidden, it may be unused,
But I know that it is there.

Everyone is born an original,
Yet, everyone is born with love.
We are afraid to admit our sacredness
Because we are scared of being vulnerable.
You don't have to explain it to me,
I understand.

A toast to you and yours truly.
Your family, your friends, your life.
We celebrate you and your character,
Your life and your accomplishments.
Whether we see your true character of commitment,
I will remember you.

We will Remember Part I

Every day is a new day,
Sometimes the same, sometimes different,
Imitated, never duplicated,
Planned or Unplanned,
Spontaneous and Sporadic with Excitement in Ecstasy,
The 24 hours will carry on.

The music will play,
In our hearts, in our heads.
A symphony of sound,
Surrounds the suburban sun striking down,
On smiles and shuttered eyes,
Countless instruments with only
12 definitive notes.
Coming together to play a melody.

Laughter lulls our hearts together,
Whether we are strangers, acquaintances
Men, Women, Children, Pets.
Your friends, our family.
Our friends, your family.
We could've been anywhere in the world,
But we decided to be here.

There is a discussion prior to the events of time,
But there is no description deciding how defined the dedication is.
The end result will only be known after the end has come,
As we can only put together a puzzle after creating the picture.
Whatever we have planned has led up to this time,
This moment, this capsule, this memory.

Living history, History in the making,
As the actions of our bodies create the scenery of our eyes,
The thoughts in our minds, and sounds in our ears.
Recording with unlimited tape, the audio and video is being recorded,
Dated, and Archived.

Remembrance, Memory,
Unscripted.
No script could write such a story,
No story could write such a script.
Whatever happened, happened for a reason.
And whichever way we go from here, this will be left.
In our minds, In our souls.
From now until our dying day,
Until the end of time.
We will remember...

TBC

to Care be ful

To care  is to care passionately, unconditionally, and indefinitely
Until further noticed of destruction, disruption, or declination of feeling.
To care isn't a feeling who's mood is easily changed between good and evil,
But the sense that nothing drastically changes between the independent or dependent clauses
A permanent kind of causation in-essence, where the knowledge is an undoubted gesture .
We don't want someone to care just because we want them to,
Or else it would be only a care because of our want, not theirs
We genuinely want an individual to care because they want to care,
Because they want to share and compare,
The similarities, the differences, the memories.
The disasters, the tragedies, the storms.
To care is to be committed, regardless of the circumstance or the outcome, status, class
To care is to dependently independesize on the decisions and choices individuals other than yourself decide,
Not for the better of your life or happiness, but for their influence of yours.
A reciprocation of emotion and feeling, communion between persons coming together as a committed community because of commonalities comparing and contrasting contractions and contentions.
To care is to be involved and infected on any decision or indecision,
Like love, caring has its dangers of being hurt and used,
But it also has its enjoyment and moments to live for.
Like love, we can't control our level of caring, only know that we care.
How we care and what we care for is just as important as to who,
But who, always has the chance on ruining or destroying your dignity and character.
Never be fooled to care too much and receive too little.
Caring, like friendship, is a two way sacrificed, committed, compromised road.
Care for me and I'll care for you,
Just don't step on my toes.

why Me.

 

I am speechless and shell shocked, lost in her eyes as the future unravels of what could be possibly what should be.

She continues talking, unnoticed of my sporadic behavior between my phone and her diamonds.

I read the text as I read it last night, with disbelief that she wanted to see me again,"I'm game."

Lost in the eyes or lost in the conversation, what she doesn't know is my advantage. Or is it?

Why she is here again when she knows what I am capable speaks volumes to the highest skies, yet the curiosity of why instead of will overturns the probability of anything occurring.

I've had her before or so I thought, and that only ended with her laughter and my tears.

But not today, not this time. This time is all of my cards on the table for her to call my bluff .

Does she see it, all that she has, in the palm of her hand. Right through me.

I will follow her wherever she leads me, to heaven or to hell. Through the clouds, in the thunderstorms, until the rainbows.

I could show her beaches and the beauty in love, but does she need a co-pilot or another pet

She smiles at me as if she knows exactly what I'm thinking,

I grin as if I am Hiding to prevent myself getting left on this island of loneliness again.

The feeling she makes me feel without her trying, as if she wants me to fly and fall into misery playing the what if game.

Sometimes I wonder if she knows but what's the point in wondering when there's no way I would be here if I wasn't interested.

The question is, why is she here, what is she trying to gain, especially if someone has already claimed her.

Is it because she wants a new lover or is it because she needs a new companion.

I should tell her I don't want friends, I need a lover.

Does she need a lover cause if she had one, she wouldn't be here.

If she doesn't offer to tell, I shouldn't ask.

Rule 32 screams otherwise.

What she does to me is beyond my understanding. Is this the true love so many have spoke of and engraved in their hearts.

Because the beauty in this attraction and this new peak beyond my heart blows my mind.

I said I wouldn't love ever again because the heart ache broke my heart in more pieces than anyone could Count.

But what if this is the one, the one I've been waiting for my whole life.

What if this is the one I tell our kids one day, if I didn't speak my heart, your mom and I wouldn't be here.

Do I risk the pain and agony, break my rules, just for a chance.

A chance because I had a feeling, a feeling that I don't know possibly to be mutual.

Is it not supposed to be a compromise between two people?

A sacrifice and a promise.

If people were to know, they would think I was crazy.

Like Jacob in twilight, Lucas in One Tree Hill, like Jack in Titanic.

You jump, I jump, I'm too involved now.

If I told my parents, they would think I was thinking irrationally outside the boxes box.

Is the normal activity really normal, or is it paranormal like that activity.

All of this feeling and assurance because of a couple conversations over coffee and tea is ...

Beyond anything anyone can fathom, crazy or normal, smart or uneducated, fantasy or realism.

She is still here, reaching for a rope, hoping I will pull her up.

So why does it feel like I'm on the bottom of this rope.

She doesn't say the exact words but her actions are interpreted as if she wants me to advance my heart.

Maybe I am over thinking her actions as she is only playing the game for her amusement, to keep her guessing, to keep her intrigued.

As a decoy and a distraction to her real lover, who doesn't seem to pay her the mind of day.

I've seen this before and she's played the card as the innocent.

Her beauty plays distractions to the broken,

Her attitude, her stature, her swag is a puzzle mind game awaiting its next victim.

I can't be just another player, another item, another game piece.

She needs me even if she doesn't want me,

But women never like being told what to do or who to choose.

I can read anyone's mind and heart, but hers is too guarded written in riddles like a trap door awaiting its next victim.

Tell me you want me or that you like me,

Tell me that you're interested or at least possibly thinking about it.

Or what are we doing here, her and I,

Speaking of past feeling, of past hearts desires.

Does she want to build me up just to break me down,

Curious to know if she still has me in the palm of her hand.

To think she likes me is killing me because I like her and there seems to be nothing but a wall to stop me.

A tease or a manipulative maneuver to take me off the market forever.

Ruin my every opinion of hers.

Is there even a point to the encounters, a meaning behind the glass feelings.

Whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger, but whatever doesn't make me, kills me.

But who am I to say anything.

I don't know anything at all.

Just that she's here and I am lost, lost in her eyes.

I never want this feeling to end, this moment to pass me by.

If only she knew of such feeling existed in me, would she commit.

I smile with this sense of happiness like something is actually going on, like something is actually here.

I continue to ask why when I shouldn't because she is here tonight, she has already decided to be here with me. Not there. No coincidence.

She gives me a deep, passionate hug, more than friends can feel and whispers,

"You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards..."

Why me.

OctoberFest 2011

Every time you think the world comes falling down,

And there's nothing believed to have left.

When the world walks out,

And it seems like no one will walk in

Somewhere down that road, there is a street

A street you will recognize,

Who will remind you of your accomplishments,

Your character, your success, your life.

Don't let life beat you down, don't let it win

You're better than that.

Failures will come and go, 

As well as most of your acquaintances.

When there seems to be no light left in the darkest hour,

One, will keep the last candle, burning.

Sometimes, it's the least person you expect,

Or the one you never wanted to touch.

But it doesn't matter who,

Because they will, they will hold that flame.

For as long as it takes to get you back on your feet,

Until they burn their hand off

Until they pass your flame to another,

They will support you.

Not because they want to or have to,

Or like you and need you.

They stand there as a reminder of what you've done,

How you've helped them through the rain.

And what you're capable of, who you can be, and who you are.

When the world walks out, they remind you

"You Matter"

Maybe to a few, maybe to one.

You still matter.

Things are never how you think, It's not like that at all

If it didn't matter, they wouldn't have said anything at all.

Because in all reality, you are better than that.

And We don't say good-bye.

________________________________________________________________________________________

Last Month Thoughts.
Food For thought:  

Giants didn't make the playoffs. Neither did the Red Socks. Let Down.

The NBA and the players need to get some kind of deal sorted out because D Wade and Cp3 aren't getting any younger. This lockout is killing me!

How about them 49ers being 5-1!?
I think I'll get my parents tickets for Christmas to a game...cause I wanna go wear my Patrick Willis Jersey.

My adopted sister is getting married next month. Excited for Britt! =]

Music of the month:

Been listening more to movie scores and instrumentals than anything else.. The power of an instrument combined with multiple instruments to create an emotion where any sort of picture can be painted which a simple melody is beyond understanding.  And for it to be given as it is like air, breathe, water, wind, and gravity.

Song Picks of the Month : Shout to the Lord_Ruben Studdard, Rose _James Horner, Iridescent_ Linkin Park, 23_Jimmy Eat World, Beautiful People_Chris Brown, Islands in a Stream_BeeGees

Quote of the Month: 

 "It ain't about how hard you're hit, it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward- how much you can take, and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done!" - Rocky Balboa


Rule of the month: Rule #43 Dj Baby Yu will always brighten the mood.!

 

Thoughts of the Month: 

Lately, I've been letting the loneliness, failed companionship, and job failures get the best of me.  I've questioned the people in my life, and the reasons for downturns.  The feelings in my mind were let on to this page and It shouldn't have gotten that far.  But as of Tuesday, 10/18, I've turned over a new leaf.  My life is still up in the air...But I shouldn't question the failures, only appreciate the success and things I take for granted.

Goal of the Month:

_Find new hobbies for the big 2-4 and get one of my heroes [P Willis, Baby Yu, D Wade, T Swift,] to read a post (Not this post)

_Take More Pictures

Topic of the Moment:

We can't control anything beyond our grasp.

And Patrick Willis is still my hero, More than ever.
I can't embed this so, click this. 

She's Gone.

The distance she walks, the further away she becomes from the true meaning she has longed for. Days pass by like leaves flowing in the river downstream uptown. As spring sets in the city's glamorous evening incandescence, there is no Bright Lights shining tonight. Instead a yearning voice whispering a desperate cry for more then previous assistance in the past. Her patience is running out of the track like the tape runs out of a DVD. A romantic novelty is overtaken by the tragedy from uncontrollable, undeniable, misfortune circumstantial fixation.

The shadows enlargement overpowers her heart as colors venously slither away from her soul. 67 pieces erroneously fitted faced like a puzzles worst nightmare murmurs, 'The pieces don't fit here anymore.' Pain isn't premeditated, it's prescribed. What more can she do, because there's nothing left to say. She can't repair something she didn't break, nor can she replace what she never had. Tomorrow isn't a new day, it's a repeat of what happened yesterday. It's the feeling from the first day. She'll walk until the end of days searching for meaning while everyone searches for her. What they don't know is, She can't be found if she was never lost.

Step On my Toes. I double dare you.

Take a hard, long thought at what you've done.
Think about the lives you've effected.
The ones you disengaged, the ones you ruined.
Take a look of the villain standing in the mirror.
Do you like what you've become.
Lies you've spread through your teeth,
The deceit you filled by the look of your evil eyes.

There isn't any remorse in your heart.
There is only blackness.
Filled with fraudulent fabrication,
misrepresentation to the tall tale.
Misleading to the misguided.

Manipulate to the melancholy man
Undermine his specialty.

It doesn't give you power, only some sick fluctuated infatuation,
A disturbing self-satisfaction.
Stealing from a homeless man,
Taking advantage of an impaired,
Leading a lover to death.
Fools gold fooled fluted fools.
If only I said it before,
Step on my toes and I will step on your face.

Exaggerate your character as you do.
And I will rip your roots.
Destroy your mind, decimate your soul.
Life isn't a game, and People are not at your disposal.
The only one disposable is the one standing in the mirror.
Feed on your forgery fable,
Fabricate the falseness of your fictitious fib,
But don't ever again, cross my path.
Do it, one more time, I dare you.
Step on my toes, and I will stomp your face.

all of Me.

There are a lot of things you don't know about me.

What you see, is what you get.  Nothing more, nothing less.

I don't wear the most make up like the models you like,

So expect anything but a model face.

My butt is not the biggest, my boobs are not as big as hers.

I laugh a lot, I cry too little.

Emotional, yet independent.

Dependent on sentimental.

I won't be as cute as you search and I can't be everything you want.

I like attention when you least expect it,

I let shopping get the best of me.

I'll drag you to intolerable events and obligated family parties.

There will be times you'll feel uncomfortable,

But I promise to never leave you out.

As you can tell, I'm not the prettiest girl in the park.

Nor am I the most talented or skilled of the bunch.

I have tattoos your parents won't like, and I have an attitude you'll find so discouraging.

I dance like nobody is watching, I act like nobody will care.

I am not depressed of being alone, 

Yet I am compressed of romantic affection.

If she ain't going to treat you right than I ain't ever gonna treat you wrong.

Our differences are more that it should break us, Yet it will only touch us if you let it.

I can't try to be everything you want, But I will do my best to be everything that you need.

I will be your biggest fan, through thick and thin with the largest smile, cheek to cheek.

Support you when you are down and lost, even if I don't have a GPS to get us out.

Cherish the good and the ugly. no matter how hard it seems.

I've been stepped on, pushed around, used, abused, and broken,

So I don't expect you to fix me or the 67 other things that are wrong.

Just know that you're the brightest part of my day.
And everything else just goes away.

I can't explain to you how I feel in words,

All I know is that I feel them when I am with you.
Only you.

I just hope I am enough for you,

Because all I can offer is me.
All of Me.

Happy Birthday Best.

The good in people

They come, they go.

Strangers, acquaintances, friends.

Everyone is capable,

But the measure lies in the individual.

It's not what they got,

Or how much they have.

Money can't put a price tag on it.

Because to the right person, it's priceless .

There's nice people, the ones who are sweet, genitive, caring.

But overall, good people?

Nah those are a dime a couple hundred dozenZ

It isn't what they do for themselves,

it's what they're willing to do for  others.

It's their selflessness and their morality,

Their dedication, their sacrifice.

Every now and then we mix them up with the nice group.

But when it comes down to it, When you think about them.

It's beyond nice. It's beyond most them.

They tell it how it is, not how they see it, or how we want to see it

How much they are willing to go out of their way to make someone else's life better

Not because they want to, or need to, or have to.

But because it's apart of them.

Their talent, Their character.

Calm, collective, courageous.

Their will power, their drive,

To the Number 1 Good.

Happy Birthday best.

If you ruled the world

If you ruled the world, there would be no world.
If the things you wanted in life were given,
There would be no meanings in life.
The right time to act is never wrong liven'
Happiness is a state of mind, not the state of item.
Silence is a poisonous action,
Yet necessary in difficult times.
Words unspoken are people awaiting the confession.
Expectations are disappointments waiting to destroy us.
Dreams are the one thing that drives us.
We live for love, the pursuit of happiness,
But you forgot to read the fine print, It says 'Money strongly correlates.'
The people in our lives are the ones we love,
Everyone else is a stranger who comes and goes.
One conductor is a faint reminiscence of the wind blows.
Musicians of disjointed notes are a traffic jam lined fashion.
While an orchestra's symphony moves mountains.
Why settle the world as a follower, when you can be the trend.
To be stubborn is to be blind.
Only one person is on your thoughts mind.
Doubt the cause, lose the opportunity,
Struggle with your life, struggle to find immunity.
Life is the reflection of your success.
What you don't have is what you didn't work for.
Always working is always fighting for nothing less.
Anything less is everything you choose to ignore.
The person you like doesn't like you as much,
They probably don't even like you at all.
But the one you love, loves you more than you think.
All good things never last, Most just want to be be friends.
Find the ones who are more. All great things never end.
Are we suppose to brake our lives when that one special spoken
Becoming hypocrites as rules are meant to be broken.
We all struggle but we only hear about success.
Never hear anything about average, only stories of the best.