It is the cold touch I feel, while laying in the empty, unfulfilled, chilled, bed.
And when I awake, awake from the little sleep, if considered any sleep at all,
I look at my arm, the skinny yet muscular arm with little hairs that I have, with a grin
My arm is vacant, unfilled, dry, from your soft skin, and gentle touch.
The grin turns to anger, and instead of a smile, there is the worst, disgusted face anyone could imagine. The clock is ticking, sounds slower than the heart of mine, which beats an unbelievable 35 beats per minute, quite impossible to live off that other than to be a vegetable. school is in 3 hours, and I fell asleep for only 20 minutes.
You. You were the half of me, the half I couldn’t see in the mirror, yet I knew was always there. You were the half of me, the better half, the one I could count on no matter what world I was in. You were the best part of my day, the best part of my month, the best part of my year. Every second I needed, every minute I wanted, you and I were together, here, there, ready to conquer the world. You were the beauty in beautiful, You were the green in the money, the diamond in the rough, the needle in the haystack of the billion haystacks.
Did I fall asleep again? The bed seems to get colder and colder, even after laying here for hours, trying to fall asleep again. The comforter is no longer comforting, nor are the pillows on top of my face, in between my legs, under my arms, and beneath my head. Sleep used to be so tender, so grasping, refreshing, like a fresh squeeze of life, like a fresh squeeze of lemon.
Me.My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going, like infinity. The impossible was possible, and I couldn’t pick one word to describe my love. Because the love of you and me, is indescribable, unspeakable, untellable. My feelings go beyond this universe, beyond the heavens, and angels. Love’s only synonym in the dictionary is my feelings for you.
A sharp pain in my chest stops me from continuing, as I am conscious once again. There is no more sleep, as I glance at the time. Great one hour left in the night, which means I have one hour left to be myself, a man with pain and agony, who looks like a live tornado, disaster, with hair growing to be a ponytail, and a beard longer than shoe size.
How. How could you do this to me? The pain I feel, the anxiety I have, I can no longer sleep anymore. How do you sleep when the best part of you isn’t in bed at the end of the night. How do you wake up with the better half isn’t there to gaze, smile, look deep in your eyes, and say “good morning.”
This is a nightmare, wake me up when I am sober. Wake me up when this is over, because I don’t want to live in this nightmare. I pinch myself, hoping to awake from this dream, nightmare, fantasy, disaster, whatever this bullshit is. What is it? I pinch myself again, I still see the same room, feel the same cold sheets, and pillows. I am still awake. I never went to sleep, this is the real life. This can’t be happening, how could everything have been so perfect a month ago, and now there’s nothing but catastrophe.
It’s time for school. Just another typical night, the one that started months ago. I don’t remember when the last time I actually had some legitimate sleep. I haven’t had the feeling of breathing fresh, open ocean, seagull flying, wave-crashing, oxygen. Instead, it’s more like trash can, vomit, old pizza, moldy apples, dog shit I’ve been smelling. I hate going out because I put on this front like I’m actually living. I hate going to work because they think I’m some super fly guy, when in reality, I’m just another guy dying. My mind keeps going in circles, like revolutions, kinda like those Nascar races on ESPN, that drive 350 laps around a track, just to waste gas. I am like a vampire, the true self only coming out at night. I sit, I wait to get up.
I. I am unspoken, I am speechless. The words I want to say, I can’t, the feelings I have are in reverse, and I can not live. I don’t eat anymore, I can’t taste anything. I can’t tell black from white, I can think of you without having one tear. I am empty, I am unfulfilled, vacant. Vacant because I was vacated, left, strayed. I am isolated, alone, solo, single. I hate you, but I need you. i hate you, but I want you. I hate you, but I have to have you. I hate you, I love you, and I am without you.
Just Another Sad Love Song.
She is more than a person, she is more than one.
They say it’s over, they say it is done.
But how can this be over, how can this one girl
Be such a big part of you, be such your world.
Did you do something wrong, did you do something to start this fight.
Why was it wrong, why does it feel so right.
She was apart of you, she was apart of your world
She was more than just a friend, she was more than just a girl.
She told me you were forbidden, she told you, you lied,
You know you didn’t lie, you know instead, you cried.
The heart tries to heal itself, the heart has felt much pain.
Why is it always blue skies, why is it a day without rain.
She ripped you into pieces, she ripped you for darn good.
Now you are in no comfort, now you are in no mood.
You used to go in circles, you used to go into rotations.
This is more than pain, this is more than aggravation.
This is a problem, this is one without a single solution.
This one isn’t a circle, this one isn’t a revolution.
It’s over now, it’s over with.
You had your last hug, you had your last kiss
They say your first love is the hardest, they say your first love is the worse
They say it’ll stay with you, they say it’ll stay with you like a curse
You don’t know what to do no more, you don’t know what to expect.
All you are is ignored, all you feel is a neglect.
We never wanted the relationship to finish, we never wanted it to end.
We hate hearing the words of never again, we hate the words, ‘just friends’
They say it’s about loving what you have, they say it’s about loving what you got.
Sometimes we think about history, sometimes we think about what we lost.
And along the way we question ourselves, we question ourselves what we did wrong.
We listen to our friends, we listen to our family, we listen to those sad love songs.
In the beginning we claim these songs are wrong, in the beginning we claim these songs absurd.
The heart speaks more than heart beats, the heart speaks more than words
These wrongs we hear, these wrongs we don’t believe
Help us through struggle, help us through the hardest time of grieve.
Whenever the world walks out, whenever the world has gone
You’re standing all alone, you’re standing with just that sad love song.
i am here if you need me brother. everything will work out. keep your head up.
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