The game.

It's just her and me
One on one.
I've been here before,
I've been in this exact position.
Whether I stand here and contemplate my next move,
Or wait for her yell out advice.
Her advice is opinionated, not professionated.
I sip on my cocktail, take a whiff  of cancer, and look.
Long, quiet, and unappealing.
The sounds that once were so loud fade out .
It's just her and me, one on one.
I have so much riding right now,
It could determine if I call in sick tomorrow morning or go to sleep happy.
Statistically, my odds are in her favor, not mine .
But her interest should be in me, not the higher authority.
I look into her eyes as she looks away from the fire.
Her misconceptioning descriptionizong advisable information doesn't say anything to me that better my opportunities.
How I got to this I can not remember,
She's the queen of hearts with her elegance, unknown of a potential king.
I'm the jack of diamonds thinkin about two things.
Stay and be safe or hit that and most likely bust.
But I'm not letting my fate ride in her hands,
I am the leader of my group, the captain of my ship.
Hit that baby and out a triple.
Quince.
She ain't got no king, she ain't got no king.
She can be a queen but ima be her jack.
Ima let it ride, ima let it ride.
Queen a hearts plus a three year old kid and divorcing her king, that's some potential attraction .
Yes.
Enough stress has been had, enough blood pressure has been risen.
Drop a dub walk out 10 racks.
Color me out n I'll never be back.

Idiots and Genuises

Everyone hates em but the world doesn't know em.
They said they gonna be great some day.
Yeah the day ain't today.
The game is played with inches, not yards.
The games about points, not off the rebound.
Give em a chance and they'll succeed expectations.
Righteous, moral, maybe immortal living
We think it's Superman, maybe it's not.
Fortress of solitude or popular.
THey'll save the day, or so many think.
It's the prophecy, maybe the destiny.
Don't nobody know em the way they want to.
THey're's a great person, give em some opportunities.
THey will fight their heart out for a lost cause.
Yeah well, Hearts still relate with blood.
Mistakes are made and they're not to be judged.
Fool you once shame on em, fool em twice shame on you.
Maybe they're what everyone's been searching for, maybe they're a fluke.
It's joy, it's right, it's love
Or is it hate, wrong, and hope.
Do not trust a hope.
Questions about the actions are wrongful choices.
Same story, fable, prophecy
Something to put they're faith in.
But don't be disappointed when terms aren't met.
Change lanes bitch. Move out the way hoe.
Congratulations they've reached their desire.
Revival, survival, relief, rejuvenated
Yeah bitches jump for joy.
Sike. But remember.
Everybody dies but not everyone lives.
We never get flowers while we can still smell em.
Even roses die some day.
Breathe when the world still has fresh air.
Cause you better cherish this moment for life.
Merry Christmas 2010.
Your welcome your welcome.

Miss me.

I want you, But I don't need you.

At least I love you, why don't you like me.

Just forget the past, but this is to our future.

I need you, then grow up.

If I grow up, you never stop growing.

I like someone else, what's their name?

Doesn't matter, was I not good enough?

Things fall apart for better things to fall together, that's not true.

You don't think I tried? Trying and working are two different actions.

I tried. Apparently not hard enough.

Why do you hate me? I love you but this isn't working.

It is working, that's out of your eyes.

What isn't working? It's not our eyes.

One is the loneliest number, well now two are lonely. 

I love you, I love you too.

I love you, but I don't need you to love me.

You like me, but things are different.

Open up to me, It's a blocked road.

I can't fix something I don't know is broken, You can't fix something you didn't break.

It's raining, cries to the river.

The more you give, the less you receive.

Maybe it's you. Yeah maybe it's me.

It's not me, it's you.

What is wrong with us. Love just wasn't enough.

Talk to me, I wish I could.

Talk to me, I'm misunderstood.

I don't understand, try to understand.

There's nothing you could say, There's something I could do.

Why are my words not enough? Actions speak louder than words.

Well come here and I'll kiss you. Problems don't fix from one simple kiss.

You'd be surprise how far a kiss can go. I can't do this, not here, not now.

So this is it, I guess so.

That's unfortunate, For you or for me?

For both, I'm sorry.

This hurts, yeah it will get better.

Where are you going? I'm going home.

Take me with you.

I'm going home.

I'm going to miss you.

I'm going home, and I miss you.

"Baby we've been living in sin 'cause we've been really in love

But we've been living as friends"

If people wanted to be together, than forget all the obstacles. Don't ever change for someone, change for yourself.  Problems come up in relationships and break things apart.  It's how you face the problem with a solution. Calm and collective during Challenge and controversy. But remember, it's not always about you.  It's about that other person.  You might like or love someone so much it hurts, but that doesn't mean they feel the same.  You can't control someone's feelings or actions.  We do what we want to do, consciously or subconsciously.  It's best to be in adversity so you can face the diversity. Relationships have its toll on people, so never get too strung up on one person. Some lady in DisneyWorld told us, "You're only young once.  Change isn't always a bad thing. Know as many relationships as you can before you settle, you're still young."  If you like someone, go ahead and tell em'. If you don't find what you're looking for, keep trying or find something else.  Depends on the kind of person you are.  Heartbreak hurts. Loneliness hurts. But what in life doesn't hurt. Speak your mind, I can help. Keep smiling, even during your darkest hours.

When I finally make it home I hope that you miss me a little when I'm gone.

valentines day...

today is the day that's celebrated by lovers.. and hated by singles. it is the day to look at the great things we have or the things we had. it is the time we realize the person's importance, or the persons incompetence. it is a day filled with love or a day thought of memories. today is the time we can make someone ours for a day...or a day we say what if...

last year i took a chance , and it shot me in the back... i took an idea and made it a memory. not exactly a memory that shares love's interest, but one ill never forget. looking back, i wouldnt change a thing.. id rather take a chance on something and live with the outcome knowing, instead of watching on the sidelines saying what if and not knowing.

so if you're out there reading this, know that i only wanted the best for you. my only wish was to make you smile. maybe one day you'll take the chance... but for now, here's my heart. empty and cold. like chris brown.

i hate valentine's day.

Winter Break 2009

It was one good ride this winter break of 09. I was there for a month, which might have seem like a long time. The time's passed by fast, guess I was having too much fun. The first couple of weeks were holiday and seasonal days, where hanging out with fam was the main part of the break. I went to the bay 3 times, twice to pick up the sister from her work, and once to search for a purse. I can now say, i'm an expert at the purse game. Haha. But nah, went with Shtevo all 3 times, met up with Rick and Eva twice (where they tried settin me up), and just relaxed in the city. Everytime I go, it seems like I fall more in love with SF.

For the Holiday season, I hung out with the fam. We went to church for candlelight service, and then to the Leong's on Xmas eve, and Day, for dinner. Those were good memories, watching TBS's annual and Kev's favorite,"Christmas Story," eating the excellent home cookin' food, and playin' the family board games of Spoons, Pictionary, and Mahjong. My pops had a "Tiger Woods" moment while tellin everyone there's some BZ Facebook messaging him, askin if he was single.

Speakin of Father, he somehow came up with one of the most unique, Present wrapping type idea. Instead of wasting wrapping paper, he found full page advertisements that fit our personalities. Here are some examples. Props to him.

For New Years, my family took out the Yee's and the Leong's for New Year's Dinner at Bucca Di Beppo. That was a fun, yummy, memory. I introduced David to Zombies on Ps3, where he later became addicted.

The rest of the break was just kickin it. Saw some Mikuni home boys every weekend at our weekly meeting spots, Willy's and Bistro. I saw some familiar faces I haven't seen since High School. Had our "Monday" dinner with the Baller Boys at Red Lobster to find out, there's no more "Crab Crackin Mondays."

Also had Karaoke night at Natalie's with Ceddy, Minh, Chris G, Johnny, and Eddie. Eddie wanted some expression in our faces for the camera, but he was unable to capture such poise faces. Instead he got some Cats, which even turned out blurry.

I hung out with my kids, Becky Boo and Moo. I saw Moo play a couple games for JFK, where he was hoopin. I missed the best though, his game winning shot vs Laguna Creek. We had our fun times too, eating in the middle of the night, or going on Starbucks runs.

Went to the King's game vs Denver, where Tyreke hit the game winning shot. But now the King's only win came from that game. And I believe a majority of it has to do with Kevin Martin. Also wen to the Miami game vs the Wizards in Washington. My boy D Wade hit 32 4 and 10... and smashed the Wiz's.

Of course the majority of the break was hangin out with the best man, and the home boys. Some things don't change when I go back to sac, as we always eat and drive. The best man and I took many drives talkin about situations that have and are occurring. There's nothing better than good talks that you'll remember the rest of your life. And it even got so good that I'd be hangin out at the shop, pushing cars in and eatin next door's Flautas...Hella bomb.

But now I am back on the East. There's some people I've missed catchin up with, so I apologize. I am disappointed in a couple people, but I guess that's just the way the cookie crumbles. It's time to get back into school mode and livin with the relatives, so no time to worry about that.. It's always fun to go back up, but now it's time to focus.

one for the broken hearted.

Dedicated to those in hard times.

It is the cold touch I feel, while laying in the empty, unfulfilled, chilled, bed.
And when I awake, awake from the little sleep, if considered any sleep at all,
I look at my arm, the skinny yet muscular arm with little hairs that I have, with a grin
My arm is vacant, unfilled, dry, from your soft skin, and gentle touch.
The grin turns to anger, and instead of a smile, there is the worst, disgusted face anyone could imagine. The clock is ticking, sounds slower than the heart of mine, which beats an unbelievable 35 beats per minute, quite impossible to live off that other than to be a vegetable. school is in 3 hours, and I fell asleep for only 20 minutes.

You. You were the half of me, the half I couldn’t see in the mirror, yet I knew was always there. You were the half of me, the better half, the one I could count on no matter what world I was in. You were the best part of my day, the best part of my month, the best part of my year. Every second I needed, every minute I wanted, you and I were together, here, there, ready to conquer the world. You were the beauty in beautiful, You were the green in the money, the diamond in the rough, the needle in the haystack of the billion haystacks.

Did I fall asleep again? The bed seems to get colder and colder, even after laying here for hours, trying to fall asleep again. The comforter is no longer comforting, nor are the pillows on top of my face, in between my legs, under my arms, and beneath my head. Sleep used to be so tender, so grasping, refreshing, like a fresh squeeze of life, like a fresh squeeze of lemon.

Me.My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going, like infinity. The impossible was possible, and I couldn’t pick one word to describe my love. Because the love of you and me, is indescribable, unspeakable, untellable. My feelings go beyond this universe, beyond the heavens, and angels. Love’s only synonym in the dictionary is my feelings for you.

A sharp pain in my chest stops me from continuing, as I am conscious once again. There is no more sleep, as I glance at the time. Great one hour left in the night, which means I have one hour left to be myself, a man with pain and agony, who looks like a live tornado, disaster, with hair growing to be a ponytail, and a beard longer than shoe size.

How. How could you do this to me? The pain I feel, the anxiety I have, I can no longer sleep anymore. How do you sleep when the best part of you isn’t in bed at the end of the night. How do you wake up with the better half isn’t there to gaze, smile, look deep in your eyes, and say “good morning.”

This is a nightmare, wake me up when I am sober. Wake me up when this is over, because I don’t want to live in this nightmare. I pinch myself, hoping to awake from this dream, nightmare, fantasy, disaster, whatever this bullshit is. What is it? I pinch myself again, I still see the same room, feel the same cold sheets, and pillows. I am still awake. I never went to sleep, this is the real life. This can’t be happening, how could everything have been so perfect a month ago, and now there’s nothing but catastrophe.
It’s time for school. Just another typical night, the one that started months ago. I don’t remember when the last time I actually had some legitimate sleep. I haven’t had the feeling of breathing fresh, open ocean, seagull flying, wave-crashing, oxygen. Instead, it’s more like trash can, vomit, old pizza, moldy apples, dog shit I’ve been smelling. I hate going out because I put on this front like I’m actually living. I hate going to work because they think I’m some super fly guy, when in reality, I’m just another guy dying. My mind keeps going in circles, like revolutions, kinda like those Nascar races on ESPN, that drive 350 laps around a track, just to waste gas. I am like a vampire, the true self only coming out at night. I sit, I wait to get up.


I. I am unspoken, I am speechless. The words I want to say, I can’t, the feelings I have are in reverse, and I can not live. I don’t eat anymore, I can’t taste anything. I can’t tell black from white, I can think of you without having one tear. I am empty, I am unfulfilled, vacant. Vacant because I was vacated, left, strayed. I am isolated, alone, solo, single. I hate you, but I need you. i hate you, but I want you. I hate you, but I have to have you. I hate you, I love you, and I am without you.



Just Another Sad Love Song.

She is more than a person, she is more than one.
They say it’s over, they say it is done.
But how can this be over, how can this one girl
Be such a big part of you, be such your world.
Did you do something wrong, did you do something to start this fight.
Why was it wrong, why does it feel so right.
She was apart of you, she was apart of your world
She was more than just a friend, she was more than just a girl.
She told me you were forbidden, she told you, you lied,
You know you didn’t lie, you know instead, you cried.
The heart tries to heal itself, the heart has felt much pain.
Why is it always blue skies, why is it a day without rain.
She ripped you into pieces, she ripped you for darn good.
Now you are in no comfort, now you are in no mood.
You used to go in circles, you used to go into rotations.
This is more than pain, this is more than aggravation.
This is a problem, this is one without a single solution.
This one isn’t a circle, this one isn’t a revolution.
It’s over now, it’s over with.
You had your last hug, you had your last kiss
They say your first love is the hardest, they say your first love is the worse
They say it’ll stay with you, they say it’ll stay with you like a curse
You don’t know what to do no more, you don’t know what to expect.
All you are is ignored, all you feel is a neglect.
We never wanted the relationship to finish, we never wanted it to end.
We hate hearing the words of never again, we hate the words, ‘just friends’
They say it’s about loving what you have, they say it’s about loving what you got.
Sometimes we think about history, sometimes we think about what we lost.
And along the way we question ourselves, we question ourselves what we did wrong.
We listen to our friends, we listen to our family, we listen to those sad love songs.
In the beginning we claim these songs are wrong, in the beginning we claim these songs absurd.
The heart speaks more than heart beats, the heart speaks more than words
These wrongs we hear, these wrongs we don’t believe
Help us through struggle, help us through the hardest time of grieve.
Whenever the world walks out, whenever the world has gone
You’re standing all alone, you’re standing with just that sad love song.


i am here if you need me brother. everything will work out. keep your head up.

it hasn't hit me yet.

 

I fed exed my love so she could sign for my

Hearts crush, Hearts aches,

Hearts bleed. Hearts break.

Too much agony, too much pain.

Too much trauma. Too much came.

Too much to take. Too much has bled.

Permanent scars. Stained for life. Mustang Red.

It’s bare. It’s broken. It’s fallen. All apart.

No circulation. No beat. No pump. No heart.

Instead, a loop. A revolution. A coil. A ring

A circle, ongoing. Never ending. Forever lasting.

There’s no straight. There is no line.

No one’s gonna break it this time.

That’s fictitious, that’s fraudulent, that’s a lie.

Heart replacement, Circle good-bye.

It came. It saw. Didn’t see this one come.

It’s already done. It’s already dead. It’s already gone.

Destroyed, collapsed, crippled and crumbled.

Demolished, devoured, heart or circle, it’s shattered.

It was mine as it was yours. But it was more yours than ever mine.

Without notice. Without request. I gave my all. I gave my best.

One man’s trash was my treasure chest.

She knew. She misinterpreted. She misunderstood.

I succeeded. I accomplished. I achieved.

She failed. She neglected. She’s gone for good.

Bad luck.  Wrong timing. Her loss, yet my grieve.

Heart or circle. It’s crushed. It’s apart.

You call it what you want it. But

I fed exed my love so she could sign for my …

Summer 2009

Summer 2009

Same faces, Familiar places, smashin the 2 wheeler, cruising the 4 wheeler. CHHH Blow off valve, Old J’S n Dunks, Forgotten Clothing in the Closet. Yay Area Clam Chowda! MY Kids, Adopted Parents, Raider! Home Cookin, Mikuni’s Workers and our Willy Thang, JFK Graduation.
There’s no place like home. That’s not it, I’ll be back. Intermission.

Lets take it to the East. Maryland. Bahamas, Ocean City, New York, and Washington D.C. Cruise boat, family dinners, Birthdays, and the little Chipmunk. The Sun, and those beaches, A, the Russian, and B the model, Starbucks Barista. Summer school session 2. ZOMBIES! Wide Angle Canon, FishEye Nikon, Washington Monuments, and the Metro. Thank You – Nobody Somebody, Volleyball Tournament, 400 Chamber Street, Time Square, Kid Robot. Midwest Chi Town Visit, Channing Tatum’s Bday, Pizza and Beer Nights, King of the Cup, Fugo De Chao. Chicago Cubbies, FuK U Thome, Derrek Lee, Soriano, 65 dollar shirt with Hat.

Southwest it. Back to Sac.

Same stuff, different day. Summer School, Starbucks, 24, Latte. BBQ’s Lil one, Skip, Yum Yum, Coach, Turbizzle, Bukake, Dumb, Boo, Jay 3. Hot Riding, No driving, Fools Gold, V day failure. SF Bay Area, Miss America Pageant, Moving little Sis. Lake Tahoe.


Redsocks 8-0 Vs Yankees, then we get swept? Kings don’t draft Ricky Rubio HA. Michael Crabtree Won’t sign with the 49ers. Michael Phelps schools that Italian dude. Tiger is BACK! Tim Lincecum is an ACE. Tom Brady is Back. TO to the Bills? With a Reality Show? Shaq to the Cavs? D Wade to team JORDAN!? Still, Dwade doesn’t receive support from Carlos Boozer or Lamar Odom, C’mon Pat Riley. Transformers 2, Entourage Season 5, 24 Season 8, NCIS, Prison Break Season 4, Gran Turino, Fast n Furious. Michael Jordan Hall of Fame, Michael Jackson's Death =[

That’s how it went 2009. I would personally like to thank the Family for the opportunities, the Cousins for the memories, the Friends for the great times, and everyone else that had the fun we had. I’m glad for the opportunities. Never take anything for granted, live with no regrets, and live it to the fullest. You don’t need locations to make fun memories, just need some great people.

To Be Continued.